I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize