There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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