Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
