I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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