good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
