I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
