the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You can't just leave with hair like that
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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