I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
