It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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