he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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