Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize