The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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