You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
