they need to just BURY HIM!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
