i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize