I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
