the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
