Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
