brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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