Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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