Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
