I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
whose parrot is this?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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