well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
