why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
