Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
