i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
