it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
