2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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