Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
