I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We left an ass print on the piano.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
