i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
