You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Bring me that man meat
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
