Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
