I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
