can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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