HIV tests are more positive than that guy
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
