just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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