I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
