You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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