the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
