Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
