good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
