What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
