I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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