If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
