He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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