my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
