I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
