You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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