your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
