You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
