Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm both gender and math confused
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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