What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
