Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i dont even know how to be here
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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