Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
