I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Boobs speak an international language.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
