i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
