I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
