Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
