Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
